Diabolik Fuckheads
by TheSemasin
Summary: Stories are so romanticized these days, aren't they? [ CRACK RE-WRITE OF THE ANIME ]


Diabolik Fuckheads

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><p>It was a brisk winter morning, covered in clouds, with light slightly peering out from behind them. It was also the morning in which a young Yui Komori was to go live with her relatives "temporarily".<p>

See her dad, Father Komori (though most in the church knew him as Papa K-Mo) handed her a suitcase of clothes this morning and told her to, and I quote, "get the fuck out me house". Yui had stuck out her tongue, stepped on his foot, and left.

So here she was now, sitting in the back of a limo, waiting for the driver to take her to the house. The drive was tremendously long and exceedingly annoying, and after attempting to fall asleep, she ended up kicking the wall in front of her numerous times.

"Are we there yet?"

"No."

"Are we there yet?"

"No."

"Are we there yet?"

"No."

"Are we there yet?"

"No."

"Are we there yet?"

"Yes."

The driver pulled up in front of a large mansion estate, causing Yui to gape. She'd expected luxury, sure, especially considering she spent two thirds of her life in a catholic church, but she hadn't expected _this_.

"Wtf the frick."

The blonde grabbed her suitcase and rushed out the door. After she slammed the door shut, the driver drove away at the speed of sound.

"GOTTA GO FAST-" said the driver

"Wow what a fricking meme." Yui groaned.

By the time she turned her attention back to the mansion, it was already pouring rain out of fucking nowhere like what the fuck god.

"GOSH DANGIT."

With a huff, Yui angrily stomped to the front door, soaking wet.

She knocked once, twice, thrice.

No answer.

"SON OF A GUM CHEWING FUNK MONSTER" she screeched, causing the door to creak open.

"Oh sweet."

Yui entered the mansion a shivering mess, holding onto her suitcase for dear life. The mansion was dimly lit with only a chandelier gracing the main entry room with light. The carmine carpets were being stained with the mud on her footprints and the mud on her suitcase. Warily looking around, she made her way through the mansion.

"Helloooo? Is anyone thereeee? Ugh friCK FRACK WHERE THE FRICK YOU AT"

It was then that Yui's head snapped in the direction of what she later assumed was the living room. On a couch facing her direction was the figure of a sleeping man, breathing so lightly that she couldn't even see it. With a happy jump, Yui rushed over to get his attention.

"Hey, um, dude, sorry for the intrusion but uh, Papa K-Mo sent me here? And oH MY GOSH CAN YOU STOP SLEEPING FOR TWO SECONDS-"

Yui's hand went on his arm to wake him up, but it quickly retreated. An ice cold sensation was the instant response from the contact.

"Oh. OH." Yui immediately reached for her cellphone, dialing 911 even though it was Japan.

"Hello? Yeah I walked into some mansion and there's a dead guy – Lady can you stop speaking English please I'm trying to work some stuff out here!"

As she continuously tried arguing with the American Lady, the sleeping man reached over and grabbed her phone, yanking it out of her hand.

"Wow for a dead guy you're really r00d."

The man didn't answer, giving her a groggy glare. Yui shuddered, keeping her ground, or at least attempting it. It was then, in a low, annoyed tone, did the ginger begin to speak.

"Nani the fuck. Who the fuck do kisama think kisama are?"

"Wait what-"

"Oresama am not going to take this treatment!"

"D00d."

With that, the weeaboo pulled Yui into an embrace. He released her onto the couch, straddling her with all his ginger glory.

"WHY."

"Doushite? Because oresama am the best! Believe it!" And then he took out a stamp and stamped Yui on the cheek.

"WHY?"

"Now kisama belongs to oresama."

"I am so confused?"

"ALRIGHT WHO HAS THE BALLS."

In came another guy – an angry guy to be specific – who marched in practically steaming. The stamp guy turned his attention from Yui to four eyes and groaned.

"Nani's up kisama's ass now, Reiji onii-chan?"

"There is mud EVERYWHERE. AND GUESS WHO HAS TO CLEAN IT UP?"

Reiji glared daggers at the weeb, looking down once, then looking back down again because who dat.

"…Ayato. What have I told you about sexing on the couch?"

Ayato groaned. "No sexing allowed on the couch."

"Yeah but CLEARLY you are sexing on the couch."

"Uh excuse me but he ain't sexing nobody."

Yui wiggled her way out from under Ayato and stood up, brushing her shorts off. Ayato frowned, sitting up and folding his arms. This resulted in the raising of an eyebrow from Reiji, who simply pointed to her cheek.

"He stamped you tho"

"Yeah so"

"Okay whatever. Why are you here then?"

Yui explained her predicament, using various Italian hand motions to assert her point. Reiji nodded understandingly, though it went in one ear and out the other.

"Hm. I see. We should take ourselves to another room to discuss it further."

"Alrighty."

"Ayato you're not allowed to come."

Reiji took Yui's suitcase and handed it to a butler, who then moonwalked into the darkness. The two of them walked out of the room, causing Ayato to get up and tip toe after them. The trio ended up in a more spacious and comfortable room, littered with couches in various colours.

"Ayato what the fuck I told you not to come."

"ORESAMA DO WHAT ORESAMA WANT."

"…Right. Anyway, sit down, make yourself comfortable and explain from the beginning."

"But I already did that-"

"DO IT AGAIN."

Yui once again explained her predicament, using slightly different Italian hand gestures. This time, Reiji was actually able to comprehend what she was saying, and understood completely.

"Oooooooh."

"Yeah,,,"

"I HEARD ITALIAN MAMA MIA WHAtS uP"

The trio turned their attentions to the staircase. At the top stood a fedora-wearing bipedal pair of manpris. With a sly smile, he jumped onto the railing and slid down with a small spin at the end.

"Whoa man are you a ballerina?"

The other ginger simply looked at Yui, then flashed the smile once more with a small wink. He waltzed his way over to the girl on the couch, ignoring the round of applause that Ayato was granting him.

"WOWOWO LAITO ONEE-KUN UR SO KAWAIIIIIIIIIII"

Laito promptly leaned down and licked Yui's cheek.

"Mama Mia that's a spicy meatball."

"O"

Then another lick graced her other cheek, causing Yui to snap to the other side. Laito got smacked with Yui's hair and tried swatting it away and spitting it out, causing him to fall on his butt.

"Yo God d*mn you uh fine piece o' *ss muh motha f*ckin dong iz growing ten sizes right now sho 'nuff!"

"…what"

In front of her stood a boy a little bit taller than her with purple hair. On top of said purple hair was a backwards flat top hat. His eyes were covered with SWAG shutter shade glasses and his neck wrapped with a dollar sign necklace even though they were Japanese. He also held a teddy bear with matching clothes except it had a shirt with simply "T3D33" on it.

"Yo yo muh motha f*ckin girl, how is you? Ya' dig?" His bracelet covered arms lifted up as he send her double pistols and a wink even though she couldn't see the wink. T3D33 fell on the floor. The shota thing quickly rushed to pick it up.

"Who…?"

"Yo awww, me? Ah see you interested, b*otch, haha! muh motha f*ckin name iz K4n4t0, and make sho ta remember it, cuz you going ta be screaming it later just like Mammy."

Yui awkwardly spun around to Laito for help, who totally wasn't looking up her shorts.

"He thinks he's a thug," said the fedora with a shrug. Yui nodded understandingly and turned her attention once again to Kanato.

"So," Kanato said slyly, wrapping an arm around her. "what brings you ta our fine mansion? All ye d*mn hood ratz?"

Yui sighed, once again giving her explanation, but this time using interpretative dances to do so. Laito and Kanato watched with interest, nodding understandingly.

"And that's why I'm here."

"That's mighty fine and all, but can someone help me off my ass please?"

Kanato and Yui spun around to see Laito reaching a hand out for someone to help him up. Kanato rolled his eyes and reached an arm out, but was stopped by Yui.

"We just met and you're asking me to hold your hand? I don't know Laito, that's a little _below the belt_ don't you think?"

Laito groaned. "That was terrible-"

"WHO DARES TO CHALLENGE THE PUN MASTER?!"

A booming voice silenced everyone in the room. Ayato pushed himself out of his seat and stood up angrily, shouting at the sky.

"SUBARU ONII-CHAN GET UR ASS OVER HERE."

"I'm literally right here you dumb fuckhead."

Ayato turned his attention to emo-supreme who was standing directly in front of him. His arms were folded and his eye(s) were narrowed in an angry shape. Emo-supreme was always angry.

"Oh great they're multiplying," Yui muttered.

Subaru heard Yui mutter to herself and quickly snapped his angry head in her direction.

"_You._"

Within seconds he was next to her, his angry eyes peering into her extremely confused ones. Laito, who was still on the floor, scooted his way over to thugseme, who in turn began to help fedorable up.

"Who do you think you are, punning in my presence?"

"HOW THE HECKIE DID YOU GET OVER HERE SO FAST?"

"I AM THE ONE WHO IS ASKING THE QUESTIONS!" Subaru punched a hole in the wall, causing Yui to screech and fall backwards, also knocking over Laito.

"MAMA MIA I JUST GOT UP"

"Wow Laito," Subaru started. "Way to _break_ the mood."

"SUBARU."

"LMAOOOOOOOO ANyway. You. Human. Why are you here?"

With a disgruntled sigh, Yui stood up and once again explained her predicament, only this time with helpful flashcards. God knows where she got the flashcards from.

"I see. It's noT LIKE I CARE THO. BAKAK,,"

"Right."

Yui and Kanato both helped Laito up as Subaru walked over to the nearest corner. Emo-supreme was also always in a corner, making puns quietly to himself. Reiji then cleared his throat, making the remaining five turn their attention towards him.

"Okay. Now we need to figure out why Miss Komori is here."

"I thought I told you already-"

"No no no. I mean _why_ your father would send you here."

"Oh."

So everyone collectively put their thinking caps on to think for a reasonable explanation to why she was there. After searching her brain for one, Yui decided it was an accident.

"Um, I think this was all a misunderstanding. I'll be on my way now thanks-"

She hurried her way over to the weeb and stomped on his foot, yanking her phone from his dry hands. The blonde stuffed it in her pocket, speed walking towards the exit.

"Wtf the fuck we're trying to solve your mystery the LEAST you could do is stay and help you fucking-"

"ORESAMA'S FOOT HURTS."

"Well… Yui's a bit of a _pain_, don't you think?"

"KUDASAI NE?/"

"MAKE ME YOU PIECE OF-"

"Everybody shut the fuck up."

All six turned their attention towards the largest couch in the back. It was closest to the fireplace, covered in shadows. Golden blonde hair shone from the shadows as the man rested on the couch, lazily looking at them.

Reiji snarled. "Excuse me?"

"Well, Shuu onii-chan? Care to explain?"

Shuu sighed. "Well, you see, that guy, that's not our dad, was like, 'hey shuu, ur me fav son, there's a chick coming from the catholic church, she's gonna be your bride or whatever, yeah'"

Reiji angrily turned away, muttering something about how Shuu was always the favourite.

The other four collectively voiced their understanding.

"Yo awww, so dis here fine b*otch iz da Prospective Bride! Dat makes uh lot o' sense and git Sheniquah's *ss back ova' heeah."

After once again being helped up by Kanato, Laito shrugged, placing himself lazily on the couch. "It's more like a sacrifice, really," he said with a yawn. "What a bore."

"Oh yeah," Shuu opened his beautiful blue eyes and sighed. "He said…we're not allowed to kill her."

"Oho," Laito chuckled darkly, elbowing Kanato. "Well, it looks like we're going to have quiiiiite the long relationship with this little meatball, aren't we?"

"Yo Indeed, ah be very pleased 'boutdis here Ya' dig?"

Laito frowned.

"I'm sorry, bride? There's got to be some mistake."

"There are no mistakes, Miss Komori," Reiji pushed up his glasses. "Now, allow me to introduce you to the family, considering you'll be here a while."

With another push of his glasses, he started. "The man with the blonde hair is Shuu. He's the eldest son. Talented at listening to music and ruINING PEOPLE'S LIVEs I mean ahem." Pointing in Shuu's direction, the blonde only groaned and rolled over.

Next, he pointed to himself. "I am the second son, Reiji. I'm charming, refined, and probably the only semi-normal one in the household." He adjusted his jacket. "Not to toot my own horn or anything."

His hand then pointed in the direction of the manpris. "This is the third son, Laito, infamous for his terrible choice in fashion and his love of the Italian culture." Laito frowned and stuck his tongue out, causing Reiji to groan and move on.

"That's Kanato, the fourth son. Heaven knows why, but for some reason, he thinks he's a thug. We already knew he was a little out of his head, but this is just sadly absurd."

Kanato scoffed. "Yo you just jealous cuz you not as tight as me."

"And that," Reiji said with a sad sigh, pointing in the weeb's direction. "Is the biggest disgrace of the week. Ayato is the fifth son, and weeaboo trash." Reiji paused. "Even though we're Japanese." Ayato simply hopped up and bowed, sat down, and gave her threatening looks while mouthing "kisama can't escape oresama's sugoii clutches now".

"And lastly," the spectacled man turned once more to the corner. "That's Subaru, the sixth and bastard son of the group. Don't provoke him to make puns, or we _will_ kill you." Subaru glared. Whether he was glaring at them or in general is up for debate.

"Also, remember, Ayato is not the third son. For some reason people say he is and it's kind of weird."

"No, I assure you, there _has _to be some mistake. Nobody told me I was going to be a bride, especially to weirdoes like you! Oh screw it I don't care! I'm calling my dad."

Yui yanked her phone out as swiftly as she could and with shaky hands attempted to dial her father's number. Ayato swiftly grabbed the phone out of her hands with a soft pull, holding it high above her.

"HAHA. ORESAMA HAS KISAMA'S PHONE."

"WHAT THE HECK GIVE THAT BACK!"

"HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHA KISAMA ARE REALLY SHORT FUFUFUUFUFUFUUF"

In one swift motion, Subaru not only appeared beside them, but flawlessly retrieved her phone. He took it in his hands and held it out of Ayato's reach.

"Oresama really hate Subaru onii-chan sometimes."

Yui smiled brightly. "Oh, thank you so mu-"

Subaru, with his bare hands, smashed her phone into pieces.

"…why this…"

"Kuso, Subaru-nii! Kisama ruin all the fun."

He glared down at Yui, before turning away. "Stay out of my way."

"Oh come on, my Little Meatball," Laito gently placed his hand on her shoulder, causing her to shiver. "We just got acquainted! And besides, we're going to be very, _very_ good friends, so we might as well get to know each other better now!"

"Yo Yeah n*gga an' ah've been feeling really pekopekopekopekoyamayampekopekkish lately. Ya' know what I'm sayin'?"

"Kanato why."

"Yo Bro, ah do what ah wants, when ah wants. You don' own me! Don' make me come ova there b*tch..."

"You're ruining the mood."

With that, Yui screeched, prying herself free from the bickering brothers, tripping over her own two feet and fabulously collapsing on the floor. Somewhere in the background, Shuu and Subaru were snickering.

A sharp hissing noise came out of her mouth swiftly as she lifted her knee from the floor. It was a pretty big gash considering there was NOTHING TO CUT IT. And rug burn doesn't get that bloody. And there wasn't even a rug!

Yui was so completely centered in on her knee that the hissing noises from around her only slowly became noticeable after a minute or so. Each of their mouths sported fangs as their eye color was literally glowing like what the actual fuck.

"Vampires…?"

She swiftly reached in her back pocket for her metal cross, flinging it in front of her and gripping it tightly. "Take this!"

Reiji snarled. "You dumb fucking mortal that shit doesn't work on us!"

Yui didn't hesitate to chuck her cross as hard as she could before running away as fast as her little, injured, adrenaline-pumping legs could take her. It hit Reiji's glasses, causing him to stumble back and fall over, hitting his head. Shuu literally fell off the couch he was laughing so hard.

Once again, Reiji snarled. "Her manners are deplorable."

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><p>Yui ran through the halls, panting so hard one would think that she was having the roughest sex in the entire fucking world. She tried her hardest to think of only escaping, and avoided thinking of her not so ruggish rug burn, or the fact that she really had to pee. Turning another corner, a much brighter one, Kanato stood with T3D33 amongst an array of sweets she really wanted to eat. Her eyes passed over all the sweets, ending on the little shota man child.<p>

"Ah'll break you with muh b*otch." He waved T3D33 in the air like he was the tightest shit in the universe. Which, let's be honest, isn't totally false. T3D33 is p tight.

Yui looked at him like he was the craziest motherfucker as she bolted past. "Wha…?"

Turning another corner, she finally reached a phone, practically flinging herself to it. She yanked up the phone, revealing that the cord was broken.

"SHOot did I break this?/ Christ, I don't wanna pay…uh…"

"I told you, Little Meatball, you won't be needing a phone."

"Oh thank god I mean shOOT"

She backed away from the phone, looking around her cautiously before bumping into something rock hard.

"_Prendere una congettura~_"

"RUNNING AWAY NOW BYE."

He tipped his fedora as she bolted past him.

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><p>And there it was, she marveled, seeing the door in front of her after a long period of running. She was legitimately surprised at how big the place actually was. Leaping towards the door, she expected she would be able to just waltz out like in the movies. And she was so dreadfully, dreadfully wrong. Realization hit like a large wooden door.<p>

"No no no no no! Let me out _please_!" Yui banged on the door as hard as she could, to no avail.

Pounding as hard as she could, Yui panted and gasped even more porno like than before because she was panicking. A slam of another hand was placed next to her, causing her to turn around and face the weeb.

"Where are kisama trying to go?" A smirk graced his features. "Now, scream for oresama, onEGAIIIIIIII~ Kisama can't escape oresama now!"

She shoved him out of the way without a problem and left him gaping.

"Oh shit oresama mean uh… HA ORESAMA TOTALLY MEANT THAT TO HAPPEN BECAUSE ORESAMA KAKUI DESU!"

His laughter echoed the corridors as she ran for her puny little life. Climbing stairs and turning hallways, she found one with a moose head and decided they would never look for her here, turning the corner. It also happened to be the hallway where they locked a particular room. The padlock tying it shut broke as she reached nearer. Somewhere, in the darkest crooks if her mind, she decided it would be a good idea to hide in that room. Naturally she believed her stupidest instincts and proceeded.

She gently closed the door as she entered, slowing her breath down and taking a good look at the room. It was old and dusty, she noted, and it looked as if it had been untouched for a long time.

Maybe that's because it'd been locked up, Yui.

Anyway, making sure to watch the volume of her footsteps, Yui examined the jewels scattered on the table in awe instead of searching for a place to hide. She heard a small scoff from somewhere, snapping her out of her thoughts.

Her gaze slowly drifted towards the glass door to the balcony, though mainly the woman standing there.

She was tall and breath-taking, though Yui doubted it was for good reason. Her lavender hair was long and smooth looking, reaching her mid back; said back was wrapped in an elegant black dress that was tight enough on top to be large and flowy on the bottom.

Yui particularly liked it, and thought it would be cool if she was to wear a dress like that.

Then the woman turned around, smirking down at the protagonista.

Yui gasped loudly, holding back a scream. She stumbled backwards, grasping onto her chest.

"It…it hurts…"

Then she _really_ made it hurt by bumping into a fucKING CLOSET.

"OUCHIEWAwa"

Yui looked up while holding her head at the balcony. The mysterious fuckhead was somehow missing, but the blonde decided she didn't care. It was time to stop fucking around and to look for an actual hiding place.

Her attention turned to the bookshelf, then down to the books lying on the floor. This was something she'd instantly regret afterwards.

"Is that…mi papi's diary?" She handled it lightly and opened to a random page.

"Pfff what a n00b-"

Then she read the entry.

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><p><em>Dear my <em>_FABULOUS__ Diary,_

_I adopted a daughter today!_

_I'm surprised that kami-sama allowed it to be fair, considering that priesties like me aren't supposed to have children!_

_But, it doesn't matter, I suppose! Yui is my PRI CDE E ANW D JOIYT and I LO VE HE R WI GTHN HEV R YT YHING I HAVe_

_I can't wait to sell her off to vampires one day!_

_With fabulously holy love,_

_Papa K-Mo *winKU*_

* * *

><p>"What…? He's not…I'm…wHAT??/""

Yui panicked, throwing the diary in a random direction as she shook with unease. A slight yelp of pain and a stumble backwards lead to a crash, causing Yui to snap out of her stupor.

Laito was on the floor. Again. The rest of the boys glamorously stood with annoyed demeanors.

"Of all the rooms," Reiji growled lowly. "You choose the one where the lock CONVENIENTLY flies off. Real smart, kiddo. Now I have to get a new lock DAMMIT."

"That's for sure," Laito spat, rubbing the back of his head in pain. "How did you get in here, Little Meatball?"

"Why am I a Little Meatball who said this was okay-"

"Yo Please stay put; you muh motha f*ckin prey and sh*t."

"I am not! And I'm also not a meatball either!"

"sILEN CE!" And Subaru's fist went flying into the bookshelf.

"SUBARU What THE FUCK"

Emo-supreme snapped his head in the direction of manpris. "SAYS THE ONE WHOS LYIN ON THE COLD HARD GROUND-"

Ayato hopped up. "OOOOOOOH! OHHHHHHH!"

"Oooooh trouble, trouble troubllleeeee~" Reiji high-fived Ayato while he hopped around. Kantato whined about not being able to join them, and Laito just accepted his fate and sprawled himself across the floor. Yui groaned in annoyance, slapping her forehead while watching Ayato jump around. The weeb stopped when a loud crash resounded to their left.

Next to Shuu was a broken painting. He simply plucked out his right earbud.

"_Oops. My hand slipped._"

Yui watched him in awe as the other boys settled down and he just went back to his music. Quietly to herself, she whispered. "You sir, are the based god."

Though, she noted sadly, this wasn't the end. A voice resounded from next to her, causing her to stupidly turn her head to look.

"Yo, chichinashi."

A hand wrapped itself securely around her neck; it allowed her to breathe, but was tight enough to definitely scare her into submission.

"Are kisama ready?"

He smiled.

He bared his fangs.

_Please, God!_

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><p><strong>AN: In all honesty I don't actually know why I wrote this. I just had the idea to do and suddenly a week later I have 15 minutes of shittastic writing I hope you enjoy, I don't own DiaLovers, yadayada**


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